she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dear god my vagina.
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