Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
