im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You ruined the universe
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
