i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
