I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
