While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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