battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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