Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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