you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
no, he came in my armpit
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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