How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
