I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
