FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
