I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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