so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
