Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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