Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
