The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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