I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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