I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
