1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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