Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
