I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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