nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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