im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
