Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
