and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
