(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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