Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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