I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
