The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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