My liver just broke up with me...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
