i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
