Cold hands, warm shart.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
