There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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