its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
