we have pet lesbian snakes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
