i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
