I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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