I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Watching her eat just hurts me
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
