I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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