recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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