Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
