oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
