were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
