you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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