she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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