eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
