i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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