My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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