I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
