Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dating After Heartbreak
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.