No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
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Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.