You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
