last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
