Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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