either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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