remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So I just went to clothing optional bar
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
